Tony Abbott confirmed today that under the provisions of the recent federal budget, schools would have the option of hiring a clown to cheer students up but would not have the option to hire any other sort of counsellor or youth worker. “There is a crisis in today’s youth,” Abbott stated, “and I believe this can only be solved with laughter.”
Young To Absorb Nutrients From Air
Young unemployed people facing the prospect of receiving no dole for six months should simply learn to absorb nutrients from the air, according to Social Services Minister Kevin Andrews. “Evolution does give them that option.” It was revealed as part of the recent federal budget that from 2015, people up to 30 years old will […]
Hockey: Cuts and Taxes Balance Each Other Out
Treasurer Joe Hockey held a brief press conference this afternoon to further clarify the effects of the cuts and taxes detailed in the recent budget. According to Hockey’s theory, Australians don’t need to be concerned about the planned cuts or taxes as they simply cancel each other out. “Sure, we’ve got a few new taxes,” […]
Fire Crew Called To Hockey Interview
A fire crew was called to Joe Hockey’s interview on ABC’s Q&A program on Monday night after the Treasurer’s pants spontaneously burst into flame mid-sentence. Hockey was fielding a question from host Tony Jones as to whether any election promises were broken with the release of the budget when, shortly after answering in the negative, […]
Public Transport Funds Down The Drain
Shock at South Australia’s Department of Planning, Transport and Infrastructure this morning when news hit that the Department’s entire 2015 budget for the improvement of public transport had been accidentally lost down a sewer drain. The 2015 budget funds, in the form of a fifty cent piece and a twenty cent piece, were being transported […]