A spokesperson for the Victorian Police stated that various high ranking members of the Institute for Public Affairs (IPA), a conservative think-tank based in Melbourne, had been out celebrating the repeal of the carbon tax. At around 3am, Executive Director John Roskam became aware that his remote Tony Abbott control had fallen out of his coat pocket, probably in the back seat of a taxi in which he had been travelling.
Roskam immediately notified police, warning them to be on the lookout for the device which is custom made and, it is estimated, worth a considerable amount of money on the open market.
A visibly shaken Roskam later made a public appeal for the safe return of the device.
“If any right-thinking individual – anyone who understands the right of Australians to earn a living free from the tyranny of government support; anyone who understands the need for private companies to take our national resources and sell them overseas at vast profits without paying any tax; anyone who sees through the web of lies put forth by climate change scientists around the world for– for whatever they gain by doing so – if any such person finds this remote control, please, please do your civic duty and hand it in to police immediately.”
Prime Minister Tony Abbott seemed ambivalent on the issue and a little confused in general when questioned at a press conference this morning.
“Things are OK,” he said, before clarifying, “I like things and stuff… Alright-looking… Labor bad, bad, and…”
Mr Abbott then stood in the middle of a public road for half an hour, apparently unsure of what he was supposed to be doing.
The IPA have privately offered a $50,000 reward for the safe return of the remote control and have called for a delay to further parliamentary sittings until it can be found.